Starting a PhD: dealing with impostor phenomenon

The biggest obstacle during your PhD is yourself. 

Now that I have submitted my thesis, I know that I would have not reached this point if I had not believed in myself and my abilities. However, that was not always the case, I do remember times at the beginning of my PhD when I doubted my capabilities and felt like that I was not supposed to be in that place. I felt like a phony, hiding the secret of my inadequacy. As I began my PhD I had a problem to investigate, a potential plan and thought that as long as my proposal got accepted, I will finish my literature review chapter and start data collection in no time. However, the more reading I did, the more I realised how big the topic is and how little I knew about it. As a result I started developing a feeling of inadequacy. Trying to overcome this feeling I started to read more and more which surprisingly aggravated the feeling. When I attended journal clubs and workshops in my department, I felt like a fraud who doesn't belong and had a continuous fear of being exposed.  What I have gone through was described by Clance and Imes as "Impostor Phenomenon" which is a feeling that a person's achievements are undeserved and worries of being exposed as a fraud.

Luckily my determination was stronger and at the time I felt that I can "hide" my inadequacy, keep working and "fake it til I make it".

It was not until a year later when I was talking with a new PhD student who told me that she was so lost and still unable to narrow her research question. "But that is normal" she said, "my supervisors told me you are expected to be lost before you focus your research", and that was it for me. It was a big moment, I knew I was not alone, other students are lost, and most importantly, it was a normal stage in the PhD process. For me that was the beginning of overcoming the impostor phenomenon and gaining my confidence back.

A second significant incident was during one of my supervisory meetings, I was justifying my plan to my supervisors and one of them said; "you certainly know what you are talking about, you just don't show your confidence". This led me to look at the way I talk in meetings, I was hesitant and whatever I said, I phrased like a question. I decided to stop doing that, I was not making things up! I had evidence to support my arguments and I really knew what I was talking about. So, I decided to be more confident, and decided that there was nothing wrong with being wrong, I can ask with confidence and that worked. Instead of talking with hesitant I started saying what I think and how I came to it. Instead of phrasing my whole statements as questions, I asked at the end "what do you think?". This worked like magic for me, I felt better, my supervisors felt the change and I honestly enjoyed my experience after that; the thinking, writing and learning.

Coming to an end of my journey I have met a lot of PhD students who experienced similar feelings, and expressed them in different ways. I always make sure that they know they are not alone, their feelings are normal and that they are NOT fraud.

I can summarise what helped me overcome impostor phenomenon in the following points:

• Determination. 

• Knowing that I was not alone. 

• Realising that there is nothing wrong with being wrong. 

• Understanding that I don't know everything, I can't know everything, and that I will always be learning. 

• Talking with confidence.

References:

  Clance, P.R. & Imes, S. (1978). The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice. Vol. 15 (3)