The biggest obstacle during your PhD is yourself.
Now that I have submitted my thesis, I know that I would have not
reached this point if I had not believed in myself and my abilities. However,
that was not always the case, I do remember times at the beginning of my PhD
when I doubted my capabilities and felt like that I was not supposed to be in
that place. I felt like a phony, hiding the secret of my inadequacy. As I began
my PhD I had a problem to investigate, a potential plan and thought that as
long as my proposal got accepted, I will finish my literature review chapter
and start data collection in no time. However, the more reading I did, the more
I realised how big the topic is and how little I knew about it. As a result I
started developing a feeling of inadequacy. Trying to overcome this feeling I
started to read more and more which surprisingly aggravated the feeling. When I
attended journal clubs and workshops in my department, I felt like a fraud
who doesn't belong and had a continuous fear of being exposed. What I
have gone through was described by Clance and Imes as "Impostor
Phenomenon" which is a feeling that a person's achievements are undeserved
and worries of being exposed as a fraud.
Luckily my determination was stronger and at the time I felt that I can
"hide" my inadequacy, keep working and "fake it til I make it".
It was not until a year later when I was talking with a new PhD student
who told me that she was so lost and still unable to narrow her research question.
"But that is normal" she said, "my supervisors told me you are
expected to be lost before you focus your research", and that was it for
me. It was a big moment, I knew I was not alone, other students are lost, and
most importantly, it was a normal stage in the PhD process. For me that was the
beginning of overcoming the impostor phenomenon and gaining my confidence back.
A second significant incident was during one of my supervisory meetings,
I was justifying my plan to my supervisors and one of them said; "you
certainly know what you are talking about, you just don't show your
confidence". This led me to look at the way I talk in meetings, I was
hesitant and whatever I said, I phrased like a question. I decided to stop
doing that, I was not making things up! I had evidence to support my arguments
and I really knew what I was talking about. So, I decided to be more confident,
and decided that there was nothing wrong with being wrong, I can ask with
confidence and that worked. Instead of talking with hesitant I started saying
what I think and how I came to it. Instead of phrasing my whole statements as
questions, I asked at the end "what do you think?". This worked like
magic for me, I felt better, my supervisors felt the change and I honestly
enjoyed my experience after that; the thinking, writing and learning.
Coming to an end of my journey I have met a lot of PhD students who
experienced similar feelings, and expressed them in different ways. I always
make sure that they know they are not alone, their feelings are normal and that
they are NOT fraud.
I can summarise what helped me overcome impostor phenomenon in the
following points:
- Determination.
- Knowing that I was not alone.
- Realising that there is nothing wrong with being wrong.
- Understanding that I don't know everything, I can't know everything, and that I will always be learning.
- Talking with confidence.
References:
Clance, P.R. &
Imes, S. (1978). The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and
Therapeutic Intervention.Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice. Vol.
15 (3)
Fatma you are amazing , you are very brave to talk about your experience , well explained with a high transparency.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
Thank you Nora, hope my experience can inspire others, and good luck with your PhD
DeleteWell done Fatmah. Such a wonderful experience. BW
DeleteEkram Shoaib
Thank you Ekram, I am happy you liked it, good luck to you.
Delete